Our story began in October, 2002, when I realized that my life was passing me by. I had wanted to adopt a child ever since I went to Russia and the Ukraine on a short term missions trip in February 1992. I saw countless orphans, babies, toddlers, school-aged children, and teenagers who had nobody to call their family. Somehow I knew that I would return to adopt a child and begin my family. As the years went by, I got more and more involved in my career and spent every waking hour teaching and coaching other people's children. It was a drizzly fall Saturday morning when I realized that my life would change forever. My girls varsity soccer team and I were conducting soccer clinic for local grade school kids, grades 1-3. As I was supervising the mayhem and secretly wishing that parents would not send their kids to these clinics unmedicated, a little girl came up to me and grabbed my hand and told me that she had to go to the bathroom. As I walked her over to the porta-potty, I looked around the field and thought, "150 kids here and not a single one of them is mine." It wasn't one of those "Thank Goodness, they aren't mine" type of thoughts, but more like a "holy crap" moment that I imagined officially started my biological clock ticking. Loudly.
As soon as the clinic ended and all kids were accounted for, I went home to try to make sense of that feeling I was having. It was so unfamiliar and new. I had NEVER felt like this before. A few hours later I realized that 10 years before I made that promise that I would return to Russia or the Ukraine to adopt a child. Was this what the feeling was about? Could this even be possible? Did I even have my life together enough to be able to raise a child, to be a parent? So I did what anybody would do in this situation, I googled it. Well, I don't think I used google because it was 2002 and I am pretty sure it was still new, but I did an internet search nonetheless. I started looking up international adoption so I could at least answer the very basic question, was I, in the court's eyes, qualified to become a parent? It seemed so odd to start a family this way--to be told whether or not I met the criteria. Because really, isn't the only qualification needed to start a family a working backseat of a car and someone of the opposite sex? Anyway, the more I read, the more I realized, that I was grown up enough to do this. I had been teaching for six years and had a stable income and life. So I proceeded to explore specific agencies that worked out of Oregon so I knew that there would be as little red tape as possible. It was going to be hard enough to deal with international laws, much less interstate regulations. I was clueless and I wanted to know that the process would be as painless as possible.
I must have been on the internet at least six hours when I came across Tree of Life Adoption Agency's website. They were based out of Portland and seemed to work with the former Soviet countries regularly so I thought I was on the right track. I read about each country's regulations and quickly realized that adopting out of Russia or the Ukraine would be difficult because both countries required two trips, one for the court appearance and one a few months later to pick up the child. As a teacher, I knew I could not afford to make two trips. So I began looking at other countries, some of whom I never even heard of. As I continued reading, I noticed on the navigation bar on the lefthand of the page, there were photolistings of available children. Seriously? Could it be as simple as looking at pictures, reading a short biography, and saying, "I want that one?" Regulations have long since changed and now the photolistings are only made available to individuals who have been approved to be parents. But to answer my own question, "Yes, it really was as simple as that." Most of the pictures on the photolistings were of children in the country of Kazakhstan. I seriously had to look it up on the map, as I had no clue where it was. I discoverd that it was a former Soviet country and had gained their independence in 1995. I decided to check it out.
I really didn't know where to start. My family is flooded with boys. I am the only girl in a family with three brothers, at the time, they all had had only boys, my cousins all had boys, and of all of my cousins, there were only 3-4 girls! So I thought, maybe a girl? I am sooo not girly-girl, but maybe I could parent a girl. So I looked at girls first. I knew I could not afford to bring home an infant (daycare would cost me a fortune) and I really wanted to the child to understand what was going on, so a toddler was out. So I thought it would be best to find a school-aged child, between 6-10 years old. So I was looking at photos of girls between 6 and 10 years old. I found one girl who who I thought could definitely be a possibility but then I thought about her being the only girl among all of her cousins and I started to reconsider the possibility of getting girl. I know how hard it was for me to grow up and all boys--It was like "Lord of the Flies" trying to survive and I wouldn't want my daughter growing up like that. So, I started looking at the photolisting of available boys. There were a couple of possibilities as I scrolled through the page and took mental notes of certain boys, but once I came across a picture of a boy in a green soccer warm up with a twinkle in his eye and a mischievious little smile, I knew. Not just like, "Hey how about this one!" but I knew deep in my gut that I was looking at my son. I can't explain the feeling, my life was instantly consumed with his image and the little narrative that accompanied his picture. I called my mom and told her what I was thinking and the story about what happened at the soccer field and I am pretty sure she thought I was crazy, but she could tell I was 100% serious. She told me not to get too attached (too late for that) and to check it out, but not to be too disappointed if it didn't work. I then called my best friend and told her to log onto the website and look at this picture. She was excited and was completely supportive and could see why I was so drawn in by this boy.
(Marat, age 5)
The next day, I woke up and I was still thinking about the boy in the green warmup. I decided to email the adoption agency and find out if he was still available. About an hour later I received a reply from one of the board members of the agency notifying me that he was available for adoption and that since he is an older child, some of the fees would be reduced since the chances for a child older than age 2 finding their forever home decrease 80%. I was pretty encouraged and surprised that I even received a reply on a Sunday afternoon. I phoned the adoption agency the next day and by week's end, I had learned his name, Marat. One thing led to another and by the end of October, I had officially been approved to be Marat's mom! Over the course of the next seven months, I prepared to bring home my son. I was given a travel date of late May. I was excited to be able to travel to the country of Kazakhstan and learn all about the culture. I wanted to learn as much as possible so I could keep Marat's heritage alive for him so he could still feel connected somehow. I read books on international adoption, attachment issues such as Reactive Attachment Disorder, and met with other adoptive parents who also adopted through Tree of Life and had traveled to the same orphanage to adopt their children. I learned survival Russian and Kazakh and did the best I could to learn as much his language as possible. My initial travel date came and went and I was still at home waiting. It was another two months before I would get approval to travel and finally board the plane to bring my son home. It was a month filled with a lifetime of memories and a time in my life I will cherish forever.
Every August I relive those moments in my mind and we celebrate our adoption day. Other international adoptive families call it "gotcha day" but I've never been a fan of that name. I like to call it what it is, Family Day, because we celebrate the day we became a family. August 18 is our Family Day and we celebrate with a true Kazakh meal: alma-ata plov (citrus based rice pilaf), lamb shishlyk, samsa, and Marat's favorite, baursak. The food prep for family day usually begins two days in advance, but the feast is simply amazing! Our Family Day celebrations up until four years ago were small, just the two of us or a few close friends, but Family Day since then celebrates our exapanded family--my wife Karen and her daughter Kodie. Our family doubled in size in 2011 and now Karen and I work together to cook all of the Kazakh favorites and we try to celebrate with an open house with any friends and family who can make it. As I remember back to my time in Kazakhstan and how I was counting the days until my trip and ultimately bringing my son home, I find myself counting down again, but this time to send Marat, now known as James (his choice), out into the world on his own. I have been incredibly blessed to be chosen as his mom.
The past 11 years have flown by and while there have been many challenges, I wouldn't change a thing. There was a time during James' middle school years where I thought for sure one of us would end up dead or in jail. It during this time that he decided to go by James rather than his birth name Marat. His name was just one more reminder for him that he was different from the other kids. It was an explosive time in his life and I earned every one of my gray hairs but we made it through and our relationship survived. I still wonder if I did enough for him. Doctoral school came at a tremendous cost to my ability to be home and spend time with him. But for all intents and purposes, he is a great young man and who has his head screwed on straight, so I am eternally grateful to have the life we have today.
When I was in Kazakhstan I tried to send daily email updates to my friends and family and when I returned, I printed them all out so I could look back and remember those first moments of motherhood. This week, I found them and have been reading through them. My dad suggested I post them so others could see how our family came to be, so I scanned them and have attached it to this blog. I still can't beieve that I have two more weeks with my son but I am genuinely excited to see how our relationship will change and grow as move forward into this next phase of our lives. So if you would like to read the journal, click on the link below.
Right: James (August, 2014)
Treadwell Family Adoption Journal
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