Definitely failing! But more importantly, I'm learning!

This week has been a very interesting one. I am trying to be more thoughtful in my parenting patterns, not so much like walking on egg shells, but more like really thinking about what I am going to say before I say it and running it through a filter, so to speak, to be sure that I am conveying the intended message.

I am learning that my son's acting out isn't because he's a jerk, it's because he's coming from a place of fear. Our family has had so many changes over the past couple of years that his world has been turned upside down and I have asked him to roll with the punches more than he should have to.

I guess the biggest learning point came just yesterday. I woke up early so I could finish up some reading and preparation for one of my classes, so I was very engaged in my work. When he woke up, he came into my office, all sleepy eyed, wanting to tell me about a dream he had. Well, I kept one eye on the computer and probably half of an ear for him and he got angry. He yelled, "Mom, you're supposed to look at me and listen to me!" I tried to explain that I needed to finish this one thought and then my attention would be all his, but he stormed out of the room telling me to "just forget it, whatever!" I could have very easily set my work aside for those few minutes but I chose not to. Now I was faced with thinking about how I could have handled it differently and examining whether I was the one to blame for his outburst. While there are plenty of times where he is demanding and clingy and acting out for attention in appropriate ways, this wasn't one of them and I was most certainly at fault. I tried to get him to tell me his dream, but he refused. So I waited until right before he left for school and sat next to him, apologizing for not making time and asked him to tell me about his dream. He immediately went into this big long tale that I had trouble following, but we were spending the time that he needed.

I know I could be getting more out of these Beyond Consequences classes if I had the proper time to truly devote to the reading. I am kind of having to skim it, read the slides, and listen to the sessions after the fact, all while trying to keep up with my studies for my doctoral program. It's not that easy, but it is helping. I am no longer thinking he's acting out just to spite me and trying to understand more from his perspective. Despite my inability to fully engage in the classes, I would definitely suggest them to others who are going through the wringer with their kids. A great place to start would be checking out the following sites: http://beyondconsequences.com or http://parentingonlineclasses.com/blog or http://Facebook.com/DareToLoveTour

Finally a day to ski!

We finally got to hit the slopes today...only 2 months after the start of ski season! But it was a fun day, indeed! James took little time getting back into the swing of things and finished the day on a black diamond or two. My ability is a tad bit lower. I managed not to kill myself, always the primary goal of every outing. I only fell once and that was on the last run of the day so I am quite pleased...because of my excessive turns, I managed to see just about every inch of each of the runs I went on, definitely getting my money's worth!

We have passes to Eldora Mountain, which is just outside of Boulder. It was an absolutely beautiful day, lots of sun in the afternoon, not too much wind, even just a bit of fresh snow, and not many lines at all! I really enjoy the Boulder area and hope we can stay up there again in Feb. for an overnight ski trip...it's always nice to let James jump on somebody else's furniture for a change!

Back to school tomorrow...sooo not looking forward to it!

Family Matters...

I love my family, I really do...dysfunctional as they well may be, they are my blood and I love them. That being said, I think I'll stick with the professionals when dealing with my son. I know they mean well and want to help, but I have trouble accepting parenting advice from someone, who has had multiple DUI's has admitted to slowly killing himself through alcoholism, can barely take care of himself (physically and emotionally), and allows his teenage son to drink alcohol and smoke pot...however the marijuana maintenance is "strictly supervised and helps regulate his mood and ADHD."

I knew going into this adoption that it may not be easy but I prepared myself the best possible way and have tried to access every resource I can find to help him deal with his issues. Now that bi-polar and RAD is in the conversation, I find myself diving deeper into research and best practices for dealing with these conditions...nowhere I might add, have I seen alcohol and drug use as a possible treatment plan!

If one more well-intentioned person tells me that my son is going through the normal teenage angst, I am going to scream! I have lived for almost 7 years with his tantrums, excessive neediness, grandiose thinking, lies, and need for control. This is not normal and don't tell me it is! I love my son with all of my heart and will do anything to protect him and help him to become a compassionate, confident, and productive member of society. I want my family to be a part of that as well, but not if it involves drugs and alcohol.

Did I mention that I do love my family?

2010 Resolution: Just Breathe!

2009 was perhaps one of the most stressful years of my life. Between doctoral school, working up to 3 part-time jobs, and trying to be an effective parent to a son who is exhibiting more and more signs of attachment/bi-polar disorders, I think it's safe to say that all I want from 2010 (besides some sleep) are answers.

The last quarter of 2009 was probably the worse in my life next to losing my mom in 2005. My son's rages have exploded to the point to where I sent him to his grandpa's house for a week and half, despite the school year being in full swing and then culminating with me having to call the police to the house because he was angry that I banned him from his Xbox360 permanently due to poor grades.

Christmas break allowed me time to do a lot of research on Reactive Attachment Disorder along with ADHD (which he has been diagnosed with) and Bi-Polar Disorder. Ever since James came home, I have felt fortunate that he was able to attach and fit into our newly formed family with ease. But what has been consistent over the years have been cyclical rages that could last from 2-8 hours, hyperactivity, anxiety, and more. What I concluded was that I could not sit back and see this wonderful kid drift away from me because something from his past or in his brain, or both is causing him grief.

Just this week I had a phone consultation with a child psychologist who conducted a RADQ survey to see if we can come up with a preliminary diagnosis of sorts, then I was also finally put in touch with a psychologist locally who has seemed to work with all three disorders (we had our first session tonight and based on what I have told her, she's leaning toward bi-polar disorder). But what I am most excited about is the opportunity to take part in a parenting class online that is specifically designed for parenting kids with difficult issues.

This week was the first session and I think it will be beneficial. If you are interested, you should check it out: http://beyondconsequences.com or http://parentingonlineclasses.com/blog or http://Facebook.com/DareToLoveTour
The session was mainly on stress (to which I am no stranger) but it reminded me about the importance of taking care of myself so I can be more available to my son. This evening, while sharing with the psychologist, I found myself practicing the suggested deep breathing more than I thought. The weight on me these past months have been enormous and I just now feel like I am able to exhale. For the first time in a long time, I feel like there may be some hope for my son. I am looking forward to working towards a healthier relationship with my son so he can feel safe, secure, and confident in his own skin.

Wish me luck...

Whoever said that drugs are bad must have been on crack!

I was finally able to get my son back on his ADHD meds after not having insurance for over a year and let me tell you, the change was IMMEDIATE! I received two emails from his teachers who said his behavior and focus were the best they had seen all year! He did complain of a headache tonight, but I think that's just part of getting used to it again. Today when he came home from school, he calmly walked through the door instead of knocking it off the hinges and let me know what homework he had to do...then he did it! Yes, there is a God and he believes in drugs too!

My First Blog Post (No, MySpace blogs don't count)

Well, here I am, sitting in my favorite coffee shop, sipping a chai latte and creating a blog. Admittedly, I like to write and w0uld be lying if I said that I didn't think about having millions of followers hanging on my every word. I could never tweet as my life can't be summed up in 150 characters or less.

If you follow this blog, you will soon find out that my life is crazy, I can ramble aimlessly but sooner or later there will be an epiphany, if not for you, surely for me. I am a single-adoptive mom, graduate student, and former high school teacher. I try to find the humor in life, despite some of the bleakest outlook, and strive to instill a spirit of resilience in my young teenage son. I can only imagine what he has gone through in his former life, he doesn't talk about it much but I know it hurts. He teaches me how to be a better person but also pushes my every button to the point that I wonder how teenagers ever survive in the first place. But this is the road we travel together and that I will be sharing.

Day 1 synopsis: rambling no epiphany